


A World Without You

by SEMellark



Series: Iwatobi Ghoul [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, Mild Gore, Murder, Tokyo Ghoul AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2014-09-29
Packaged: 2018-02-19 05:28:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2376497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SEMellark/pseuds/SEMellark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Haruka thinks it would be best if he just killed Makoto in his sleep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A World Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Idk, Free! is over and so is Tokyo Ghoul (for now), and I need to cope, alright?

“I’m going to see Rin. I’ll be back in an hour or so.”

Haruka waits, but he receives no reply. He stands in the doorway to Makoto’s bedroom for a few more seconds, staring at the rectangular patch of light that the open door creates against the opposite wall.

Makoto doesn’t speak, doesn’t twitch, doesn’t even appear to be breathing. He hasn’t left his bed in days, hasn’t eaten in nearly a month, and the atmosphere in the darkened bedroom is cold and unwelcoming and riddled with despair and death.

For a while at least, Makoto would still talk to him; he would still smile. Haruka wonders when it became too much for Makoto to pretend that he was okay, if it was after Haruka and Rin murdered those children or before.

It goes against every instinct Haruka has, but if he’d known that killing that little boy meant that he would kill his best friend as well, he wouldn’t have done it.

Haruka breathes in deeply and moves further into the room, walking over to Makoto’s bed and staring hard at the back of the other man’s head.

Sometimes he thinks it would be best if he just killed Makoto in his sleep.

It wouldn’t be hard. They’ve been together all their lives, and there is no one Makoto trusts more than him. All Haruka would have to do is use his Kagune to make irreparable wounds on his best friend’s body and watch as the blood flowed.

Makoto would probably thank him, if he had enough time to do so. Just imagining the utter relief that would quickly replace the shock on Makoto’s face is almost enough to coerce Haruka into going through with it. There is nothing Makoto wants more than to not be a ghoul. Haruka would be doing his friend a service.

But Haruka is selfish, and as such, he leans down to brush a faint kiss to Makoto’s temple instead of piercing him through the heart like he should. He leaves the room soon after.

The blue-eyed ghoul exits the apartment complex, tugging the collar of his jacket up against the wind once he’s outside and walking down the path illuminated by streetlamps, all too eager to leave his guilt behind him.

Nanase Haruka is indeed a selfish being. He is cruel, and he does not tear up or offer prayers of thanks like Makoto does when he kills and devours a human. Humans do not cry when they slaughter cows, so should ghouls not cry when they slaughter humans. Haruka doesn’t understand why his companion gets so emotional.

There is no difference in Haruka’s mind. He kills to live as the humans do. Why should he feel guilty for it?

Before they disappeared, his and Makoto’s parents killed for them, though they always made their sons watch. As a child, Haruka would observe the festivities through half-lidded blue eyes, scrutinizing every move his parents and Makoto’s made, studying so he too could continue to live after he separated from them.

Makoto was never like that. He cowered behind Haruka and hid his face. He cried when their parents’ victims screamed while Haruka watched his mother and father rip them limb from limb.

It wasn’t uncommon for Haruka to sit back and lick blood off his fingers while Makoto struggled to down even the smallest of morsels. His parents were gentle and encouraging, as were Haruka’s, though they didn’t quite understand, seeing as their own son was a prodigy.

They were twelve when their parents left for a hunting trip and failed to return by the allotted time. The boys had been given clear instructions to leave the home their families had shared for generations if anything should happen to their parents, but Haruka and Makoto waited until the last possible moment to make their escape.

Haruka took up a post at the window in his and Makoto’s shared bedroom, watching the vacant streets and alleyways well after the sun went down for any signs of movement. Makoto read for hours, glancing up every now and then to shoot Haruka concerned looks, worrying his bottom lip to the point of bruising until he worked up the courage to ask if they should go ahead and leave.

“No.” Haruka had said, refusing to tear his gaze from the window. His grandmother had died a month previously, one of many Nanase matriarchs to survive the years until old age finally came to claim them, for ghouls were sturdy, not immortal. His parents were his only remaining family, and Makoto’s mom and dad were like an aunt and uncle to Haruka. He owed them all his patience. “Just a little longer.”

At around two in the morning, Haruka noticed movement in the shadows. His keen ghoul’s eyes sharpened, and he managed to discern that there were six shapes moving toward their house, not four.

The Nanase and Tachibana Clans did not associate with other ghouls until it was time to find a mate. They kept to their own and survived countless centuries that way. Haruka’s parents would never have brought anyone to the house and neither would Makoto’s.

Haruka knew that, and he slowly backed away from the window, pulling Makoto to his feet, who had fallen asleep on Haruka’s bed at least an hour previously. Makoto sleepily grabbed their bags while Haruka removed the leftovers his parents had left in the refrigerator for them.

They escaped the house through the back door and disappeared into the night.

Haruka accepted that they were alone and went on with his life. As secluded as their families had been, the boys had no connections, no friends to fall back on. They didn’t even know the families from which their mothers had originated.

With Makoto the way he was, Haruka was thrust into the position of main caretaker. He was mother and father both, the scouter, the protector. It was Haruka’s job to tie up loose ends. It was his job to make Makoto eat.

Thankfully, biology did most of Haruka’s work for him, as he’d never liked forcing Makoto to do anything. They grew quickly, Makoto especially, and soon the younger of the two ghouls was towering over Haruka, bigger and stronger, perhaps to make up for the fact that he was weak mentally.

A body like that demanded a great deal of nourishment, and a few months after their parents disappeared, Makoto started killing on his own, if only to keep Haruka from running himself ragged trying to keep the both of them fed. He stopped breaking down when they made a kill and actually helped Haruka clean up their messes and therefore increasing their window of opportunity.

The loss of their parents forced Makoto to pull himself together, though he was still the sensitive, empathetic person Haruka had known all his life. He became a ghoul that Haruka could see as an equal, not just someone he had to protect at all costs, though that went without saying. Maybe it was around then that Haruka started to love him, not just as a friend or a brother, for Makoto was both those things and so much more.

It worked well for a while. The two of them moved from city to city in an attempt to escape from whoever it was that came to their house instead of their parents that night. They each pulled their own weight, took care of one other, and when they were old enough, they each emptied out their parents’ bank accounts and began to start over.

They settled in Iwatobi, a small town near the ocean that was once a quiet fishing village. Haruka pushed for it to become their home mostly because the locals were friendly, and he wanted to give Makoto something to cherish aside from their companionship.

They enrolled in school and got jobs, used their parents’ money to rent out a two-bedroom apartment a few blocks away from the local high school. Makoto made friends while Haruka tagged along as an unenthused guest, and they integrated into the lives of mere humans.

Any hunting they did was always in another city. Perhaps it was a waste of energy and resources, but Haruka was prepared to do just about anything to enable the peculiar ghoul that was Tachibana Makoto.

As they soon found out, there weren’t many of their kind in Iwatobi. The population was too small for a ghoul to hunt freely without arousing suspicion, so it wasn’t high on anyone’s list of places to be. That being said, Haruka sometimes sensed other ghouls in the area, but he and Makoto managed to avoid them as they’d always done.

Matsuoka Rin didn’t care about the walls the other two ghouls had built up, and he didn’t care when Haruka was generally mistrustful of him in the beginning. He transferred into their class at school the summer after Haruka and Makoto arrived in Iwatobi, and even before the other teenager approached them after classes ended that day, Haruka had known Rin was of their mark.

For all his posturing, Rin was no more skilled a ghoul than Haruka and Makoto were at that age. Doves had killed his father when Rin was a small boy, leaving behind a broken-hearted widow who couldn’t manage to take care of her two surviving children.

Haruka was unmoved by the sad tale, though the same couldn’t be said for Makoto. The loss of their parents had weakened Makoto’s already fragile heart, so he sympathized more with Rin’s story than he would have otherwise. All Haruka could do was stand by and seethe as Makoto held Rin’s hand and swore that he and Haruka would do whatever they could to help Rin and his family get by.

And again, their lives changed. Makoto was the only ghoul Haruka knew that was his own age, so having Rin constantly around took some getting used to. Then, once Rin was sure he trusted them, he introduced Haruka and Makoto to his family.

The Matsuoka’s were certainly strange. There was Kou, Rin’s little sister, who was every bit the spitfire her brother was. Her name was actually “Gou,” but no one aside from her mother was allowed to call her that. The one time Haruka forgot to use the chosen name, he was quickly confronted with a ruby-colored, tentacle-like Kagune wrapped around his neck, and he never forgot again.

Their mother was another story entirely. She didn’t speak much, and it took her a long while to warm up to the two young ghouls her son insisted on bringing home with him. Makoto was the one who broke down her walls, sat with her as she sewed and helped her with laundry when Rin and Kou had something “neat” to show Haruka in the backyard.

The two boys did what their parents wouldn’t and found solace with other ghouls. But Haruka should have known that it would backfire eventually.

The night everything fell apart, the three of them hadn't gone out with the intention to hunt. As Rin put it, they were being “normal teenage boys” and hanging out after dark with no parental supervision. He often said careless things like that, pointing out what they all had lost without consideration, but Haruka had learned to ignore it.

As they walked down a darkened side street with the beach as their destination, a drunken man had stumbled across their path. Haruka and Rin had exchanged a glance while Makoto’s cheerful expression dulled the slightest bit.

The two older boys were ghouls of opportunity. Most of the town was at the fall festival, so the timing couldn’t have been better. The man’s blood would surely be laced with alcohol, but that was the sort of thing Rin savored in a meal.

The man wasn’t much of a challenge what with his coordination and awareness hindered by drink. Despite not having his mask to conceal his identity, Haruka strode up to him and simply snapped his neck while Rin and Makoto hung back. There was no need to create an unnecessary mess.

“Now what?” Rin had said, nudging the man’s body with the toe of his sneaker.

“This was your idea.” Haruka said stiffly, annoyed by the action. It was as if Rin doubted his ability to make a proper kill. “Do you want to eat him here or drag him back to your place?”

Rin grinned, and the glint of his sharpened teeth in the darkness told Haruka more than words could.

But then there was a voice. “Daddy?”

The three boys froze. Haruka swung his head around, spotting two silhouettes in the darkness. They smelled strongly of the man he had just killed. His children.

They appeared to be twins, a boy and girl, and the girl’s voice rose to a shrill cry as she called, “Daddy!”

Haruka hadn't wanted to do it, not with Makoto’s warmth at his back, but when the boy grabbed his sister’s wrist and turned to run, Haruka hadn't had much of a choice. Rin took the girl while Haruka grabbed the boy, and their muffled screams threatened to ruin the faux tranquility of the evening.

He’d always made sure to stay away from children. Despite what the Doves thought, being a ghoul didn’t mean that Haruka didn’t have a heart. He wasn’t going to cut a promising life short unless he could help it, no matter how hypocritical that sounded.

But it was Haruka’s job to protect Makoto, and if they let the children go, their safety would undoubtedly be compromised. Haruka reasoned he was also doing the children a favor if their own father became willingly intoxicated while he was supposed to be caring for them.

Haruka snapped the boy’s neck just as he had his father’s, and Rin took care of the girl in a similar fashion. As the human child’s body slumped against Haruka’s, for the first time in his life, the ghoul felt remorse.

“We’ll take them back to my place.” Rin said, his voice oddly subdued. He was looking at Haruka strangely, as if he’d just discovered something new about him. “But we have to hurry.”

Haruka nodded, carefully maneuvering the limp body in his arms so he was cradling the child. That way, he could almost delude himself into thinking he was just asleep.

But then he turned around, and Makoto was just standing there over the drunk man’s body, watching Haruka with a look of abject horror.

 _I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do this to you. Please don’t hate me._ Haruka wanted to voice all those things and so much more, but all that came out was a subdued, “Carry him, Makoto.”

And that was that. Makoto did what he was told, but he wasn’t the same. After a few days, he stopped going to school and work. He stopped leaving the apartment, stopped talking to Haruka, and almost three weeks to the day that they killed the man and his children, Makoto stopped eating.

Haruka doesn’t know what to do, hence his impromptu trip to visit Rin at such a late hour. Without Makoto at his side, Haruka has stopped attending classes as well, so he hasn’t seen the redheaded ghoul in a few weeks. They’ve talked over the phone, but Haruka’s been purposefully vague when it comes to Makoto’s condition.

Talking about it only solidifies Haruka’s own guilt over the situation. He can’t stop blaming himself.

Fifteen minutes after he left his own apartment, Haruka reaches the Matsuoka household. There isn’t a single light on, not even the one on the porch, but the blue-eyed ghoul doesn’t stop to think about courtesy as he brings his fist down against the door a few times.

He waits impatiently, doesn’t like being out with no one to watch his back, but the door swings open before Haruka has the chance to get _really_ annoyed.

“Are you fucking serious?” Rin doesn’t look pleased. He’s only wearing a pair of sweatpants, and his hair seems to fly in every direction. His ruby eyes seem to glint in the dark, and if it weren’t for the obvious whites of his eyes, Haruka would think he was about to be attacked. “You do realize that it’s one in the morning, right?”

Haruka shrugs, and Rin sighs in exasperation. “You hide out for weeks and you choose _now_ to come around.” He grumbles, stepping off to the side. “Do you wanna come in?”

When Haruka doesn’t move, Rin rolls his eyes and steps out of the house, shutting the door quietly behind him. “This better be good, Haru. We have an English exam tomorrow. Not that you would know, since you haven’t been coming to school and all.”

“How are Rei and Nagisa?” Haruka asks, mostly because he doesn’t want to get into what’s been going on with Makoto just yet. He considers Hazuki Nagisa and Ryugazaki Rei to be Makoto’s friends more so than his own, but Haruka can say with certainty that they are the only two humans in the world he would refuse to kill.

“Worried sick about you and Makoto. They wanted to go visit you a week or so ago, but I told them you both were out of town. You’re welcome.”

Haruka grunts. “You didn’t have to lie to them. They could very easily see me around town during the afternoon and find out.”

“Would you rather they come bother you?” Rin retorts, to which Haruka has no reply. “Those two are pretty demanding for a couple of Second Years, you know. Nagisa was all, ‘How come Rin-chan knows where Haru-chan and Mako-chan are but we don’t? So _unfair_!’” Rin does a pretty convincing Nagisa impression when the mood suits him, right down to the excessive honorifics.

“At least he’s stopped calling you Rin-Rin.”

“Oh, don’t even start with that.”

They lapse into silence, and Haruka can’t help but think of Makoto, at home alone, probably dying. All at once, he changes his mind about voicing his concerns to Rin. There’s no point, really. The other ghoul can’t tell Haruka anything he doesn’t already know. He’s trying to think of another excuse for his late-night visit when Rin says, “So, how’s Makoto?”

The inquiry is casual, but Haruka knows that everything Rin does is calculated and deliberate. He wants to remain quiet, maybe tell Rin to fuck off, but Haruka also knows that he can’t lie about this. He and Makoto don’t leave their apartment unless it’s with each other.

“He hasn’t left his room in days.” Haruka says slowly. “He won’t eat either.”

“Tch.” Rin crosses his arms over his chest and leans back against the door. “Well, that’s to be expected.”

Haruka wants to remind Rin that he knows absolutely nothing about the kind of person Makoto is but doesn’t, instead uttering a quiet, “I don’t think he has much time left.”

Rin’s body stiffens. “What, you mean there isn’t much time left until he snaps and goes on a binge?”

Haruka shakes his head, though some part of him wishes Makoto would do just that. “No. He already tried.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know he was starving.” Haruka thinks back to that day, almost two weeks ago. “But he stopped himself.”

He’d been watching a movie in the small living room in their apartment when Makoto suddenly appeared, drooling slightly, skin paler than Haruka had ever seen it, eyes stained black and red. Haruka had watched him warily for a few tense minutes, ready to spring up and stop Makoto from leaving the apartment if it came down to it, but it was unnecessary.

Makoto had stared at the door, unblinking, for a solid seven minutes, the red, vein-like streaks coming from just underneath his eyes slowly creeping further down his face. During the first commercial break, his fists suddenly clenched, the skin over his knuckles somehow turning even whiter than the rest of him, and at an agonizingly slow pace, Makoto turned around and retreated back to his bedroom.

“He _stopped_ himself?” Rin repeats, sounding just as incredulous as Haruka had felt in that moment. “Is that even possible?”

“I don’t know. But it happened. Now he doesn’t even have the energy to get up, let alone go on a binge.”

“Holy shit.” Rin breathes, and the melancholic look in his eyes shakes Haruka horribly. “What are you gonna do?”

“What can I do?” Haruka demands, suddenly angry with Rin, with the situation, with himself. He can’t force Makoto to eat. He can’t make him want to live. What _can_ Haruka do but stay close by so Makoto doesn’t feel alone, if he can even tolerate Haruka’s presence now. “He’s completely given up.”

Rin scowls, and Haruka can actually see his gaze sharpen with anger. “Sounds to me like you’re the one who’s given up.”

“You – Look, I can’t just – “

“All you have to do is _make_ Makoto eat. If he’s as weak as you say, he can’t refuse you. What, you’re just going to sit around and let your best friend die? What the fuck even is that?”

Haruka is seething, fists clenched tightly at his sides. “You don’t understand.”

Rin snorts. “Oh, I understand that you’re too much of a pussy to save Makoto’s life. Too worried about hurting his feelings when his physical self is the one in danger. His presence in your life obviously means _so_ much to you.”

The sound of a car alarm goes off in the distance, and Haruka has Rin pinned to the door by the throat, the icy crystal of his Kagune pointing at the other ghoul’s critical areas in jagged spikes. Makoto always said that he thought Haruka’s Kagune was beautiful, though he would cringe to see it now, freezing to the touch and as unwelcoming as a pit of tar.

Haruka has control over the temperature and solidity of his Kagune, making for some interesting deaths when he’s hunting. He usually opts to start off with the liquid form, directing it down his victim’s throat before hardening it from the inside, driving the hardened spikes through flimsy flesh and vital organs that usually kill a human instantly.

His natural Kagune reminds him of water, of peace, of a swift death and easy afterlife, exactly what he wants to give to Makoto if necessary.

But now that he’s on the defensive – and enraged beyond previous comprehension – his alluring weapon proves its deadly worth, its naturally dark blue color now bleached with white-hot rage. And it wants blood.

Haruka bares his teeth, and he can see his own murderous expression in the reflection of Rin’s eyes. “Don’t assume you know how much he means to me.” Haruka hisses, his own eyes burning with what are probably tears. He hasn’t yet managed to find the time to grieve the deterioration of his best friend. “You have _no idea_ what I’ve had to do to keep him alive all these years, especially since he insists on fighting who he is.”

For a moment, Haruka is filled with despair. Rin doesn’t know what it’s like, to love someone so completely and yet still know that at the end of the day, you’re what that person despises most.

Makoto wants to shed his identity as a ghoul. But he can’t, and not just because it’s physically impossible. Haruka the Prodigy, the epitome of all things ghoul, has always been by his side, forcing Makoto to acknowledge the demon inside him with every word Haruka speaks, every breath he takes.

If Makoto dies, Haruka can atone for his sins. Makoto won’t have to be forced to deal with him anymore, and maybe, if ghouls are permitted into an afterlife or have their own, separate from humans, Makoto can be happy.

Makoto. His brother, his best friend, his love. His everything. Haruka wants more than anything for him to live. But if all Haruka can think about is how he’ll continue to live if Makoto disappears, then he’s wanting for all the wrong reasons.

Haruka is selfish. He is a ghoul, and Makoto is suffering because of it. That is why Haruka has to kill him.

“You’re an idiot.” Haruka blinks, though he doesn’t loosen his grip on Rin. The other ghoul is staring at him coolly, his expression vaguely annoyed. He doesn’t seem all that threatened. “Dying isn’t what’s best for Makoto. He needs to live, if not for himself, then for the sake of my sanity. If this is what you’re like when he’s still around, I don’t want to imagine what would happen if he starved to death.

“Look.” Rin continues without pause, his piercing gaze softening somewhat. “You love Makoto, don’t you?”

“Of course I do.” Haruka snarls, though he’s somewhat surprised. Was he truly that transparent?

“Then start acting like it. You can’t just sit back and let the person you love die. Trust me.” Rin frowns slightly, and Haruka’s thoughts drift to Mrs. Matsuoka and the absence of light in her eyes. “I know.”

Haruka realizes then that Rin had been goading him. Rin doesn’t want Haruka to end up like his mother, unable to connect with the world and her children after Doves killed her mate. He’d wanted Haruka to get angry, because only then would the blue-eyed ghoul truly speak his mind.

Knowing this, Haruka relaxes somewhat, relinquishing his hold on Rin’s neck and allowing his Kagune to retreat back into his skin. He takes a step back, heart pounding, as Rin rubs at his neck. “You’re pretty strong for such a short, skinny guy.” He says.

“You’re the same height as me.” Haruka points out tonelessly, his anger having subsided for now. He doesn’t have the energy for much more of this. He needs to get home to Makoto. “And we’re both about one hundred and seventy-five centimeters.”

“Well, we’re both shrimps then. Compared to Makoto anyway.” Rin amends. He studies Haruka’s face for a moment before saying, “Wait here.”

He disappears back into his house before Haruka can say anything, but he isn’t gone long. When Rin returns, he’s carrying a small package of something wrapped in the paper humans use to bundle meats and cheeses at the market.

“It’s that guy’s liver.” Rin explains when Haruka’s nostrils flare slightly. “It wasn’t as damaged by alcohol as you thought it would be, so I put it in the freezer for you. Would’ve given it to you sooner if you’d come around.” When Haruka doesn’t make a move to take it, Rin adds, “If you’re not going to make Makoto eat, then at least take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself waste away.”

Haruka wants to object, but it’s been so long since he allowed himself to eat anything but blood-tainted coffee. He’s felt too guilty to eat while Makoto was wasting away in the other room.

With a slight nod, he takes the offered liver. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” Rin says with a slight yawn. “Now go home. Like I said, big exam tomorrow.”

Haruka leaves without another word, though the sound of the door closing behind him seems like a death sentence.

* * *

When Haruka gets home, he heads immediately to Makoto’s bedroom only to find that his friend isn’t there.

His first instinct is to panic and call Rin, tell him that he’s needed to do damage control for however many people Makoto is going to kill to satisfy his hunger, but then he hears the sound of retching from down the hall.

Haruka is sick with dread as he heads toward the bathroom. The door is shut, but he opens it without knocking, immediately spotting Makoto kneeling on the floor in front of the toilet.

His broad shoulders rise and fall dramatically with every ragged breath he takes, and Haruka’s stomach pitches at the sight.

Makoto lifts his head when the door opens, evergreen eyes glazed as they settle on Haruka. He tries to smile, but it looks more to be a grimace. “Hey, Haru.”

It’s the first thing Haruka has heard his best friend say in what feels like forever. Makoto’s voice isn’t as smooth or as soft as it once was, instead crackling with the strain of not being used for so long, but it’s an improvement.

Haruka doesn’t get a chance to say anything before Makoto is leaning over the toilet again, heaving so hard his whole body lurches. The older ghoul rushes to his friend’s side, placing a hand on his back in a way of comfort. “You haven’t eaten in weeks.” He says, confused as to why Makoto is so violently sick if his stomach is completely empty.

“I was a little delirious after you left.” Makoto groans, burping slightly as he fights off another flow of vomit. Haruka continues to rub his back. “I got into the cabinets and ate whatever we had in there.”

Haruka sighs. They only keep human food around the apartment for when Nagisa and Rei come over. It’s mostly junk food since that’s what Nagisa likes, but Rei always chastises them for not eating healthier. Haruka would like to reply that he and Makoto prefer the healthier meats of the physically fit and that Rin is the one who enjoys alcoholics and humans with high blood pressure, but of course he never can.

Some part of Haruka can’t help but wonder if Makoto got into the cabinets mostly out of yearning for a different life, not just because he was starving. It wouldn’t totally shock him if that were the case.

“You’d feel better if you ate whatever we have in the freezer.” Haruka murmurs, thinking about the liver he left along with his jacket in Makoto’s bedroom, but of course Makoto doesn’t reply.

Haruka stays in the bathroom with Makoto until the larger ghoul has expelled all of the human food from his stomach. They then journey back to Makoto’s bedroom together, and Makoto falls down onto his bed with no prompting from Haruka.

Unwilling to leave Makoto when he’s so sick, Haruka crawls into bed after him without asking for permission. They used to do the same thing as children, though it was usually Makoto who climbed into Haruka’s bed after a nightmare or a particularly gruesome hunt with their parents.

Makoto doesn’t protest – he’s gone back to being unresponsive and listless, now in the right mind to remember why he was weak enough to be delirious in the first place – and they lay back-to-back on top of the sheets, silent, as emotionally distant as they’ve ever been.

Before Haruka falls asleep, he wonders if he should be worried that Makoto doesn’t seem to realize that there is a human liver on the floor by his desk.

* * *

 He wakes a few hours later, disoriented and with a stark feeling of fear.

Haruka shifts in the bed, craning his neck to glance over his shoulder at where he knows Makoto’s form to be. “Makoto?”

There is no response. Haruka starts to wonder why he’s so unsettled until he realizes that Makoto snores when he’s asleep, no matter how weak he is. But everything is totally silent in the room.

He rolls over onto his right side, blindly reaching out until his left hand finds the fabric of Makoto’s t-shirt. Haruka tugs, perhaps too harshly, but Makoto’s body responds like a ragdoll, going where Haruka leads it. The older ghoul’s eyes widen in the darkness, and he sits up. “Makoto!”

If Makoto is just ignoring him, it’s no longer acceptable. But the longer Haruka continues to call Makoto’s name with no response, the more he begins to realize that Makoto is far away from him, much too far away. It doesn’t make sense, not when Makoto seemed fine just a few hours ago – very ill, yes, but otherwise okay.

Just as Haruka is about to lose his composure completely, Makoto emits a soft groan. The older ghoul gasps slightly, maneuvering his companion completely onto his back. Haruka doesn’t want to wait for his eyes to naturally adjust to the light and purposefully enhances his sight, honing in on Makoto’s face.

The younger ghoul’s eyelids flutter for a moment, but they don’t open.

Haruka makes a sound that sounds suspiciously like a whine, and it startles him. He’s known that Makoto has been close to dropping off the edge for a while, but it seems real now. And he doesn’t want this to continue. He doesn’t want to end up like Rin’s mother, alone and lost without her mate, because that’s what Makoto is to Haruka, whether it’s official or not.

He would defend Makoto to his last breath if it came down to it. He would kill any countless numbers of Doves before he let them get their hands and stolen Kagunes on any part of Makoto.

If keeping Makoto alive is selfish, Haruka doesn’t care anymore. And if Makoto hates him for this, well… he’ll deal with it in the morning.

Haruka lurches out of the bed and stumbles about, heading for the desk where the liver Rin gave him is. He won’t tell Makoto exactly where it came from, but Haruka will know, and it will forever weigh on his conscience that the life he gave to Makoto will have come from the very source that helped to take it away.

He grabs the package and tears off the paper, ignoring his own hunger as he hurries back to Makoto’s bedside, not really thinking, just doing.

He climbs back onto the bed, seating himself on Makoto’s bony hips in case the younger ghoul tries to fight him or escape. But Makoto hasn’t the energy. And Haruka wants to make sure this is done correctly.

So, he tears into the liver himself, chewing viciously a few times before hunching over and pressing his mouth to Makoto’s. He has to work open Makoto’s lips with his own tongue, but once he does, he pushes everything he has into Makoto’s mouth, food and breath both, anything to make Makoto _live –_

No matter how hard one fights, a ghoul cannot resist the allure of human flesh once he has made contact with it. So Haruka is surprised but also not when a hand grips strongly at his hair, holding him firmly in place above Makoto. Tears he’s been suppressing for nearly a month slide down his cheeks, and Haruka relaxes, letting Makoto do as he pleases.

Perhaps Makoto wasn’t as weak as Haruka thought, because there is nothing sickly about the way he plunders Haruka’s mouth, searching for every last drop of blood, every little scrap of meat. His tongue runs over Haruka’s teeth, the roof of his mouth, his cheeks, and Haruka feels Makoto’s fangs as they sink into his bottom lip.

He grunts in surprise but otherwise doesn’t react. He has faith in Makoto’s restraint and knows the other ghoul won’t try to devour him along with the liver, but he also doesn’t want to get his hopes up. This is only happening because Makoto is unwilling to feed himself. Haruka is doing this because it’s his job to protect the last of the Tachibanas.

Haruka pulls away when he feels Makoto swallowing, and he’s disheartened to find that he’s not the only one crying. Makoto’s eyes are open, his green irises now a deep vermillion in a sea of ebony, and the tears just keep flowing. Makoto’s biology hadn't allowed him to deny the offered sustenance, and his mind is in turmoil because of it.

“Please.” The thin strip of red-tinted saliva that had been connecting their mouths snaps when Haruka speaks, his voice pinched. “Don’t give up. Don’t leave me here by myself.”

Makoto’s breathing hitches, but ghoul’s eyes mostly convey hunger and rage, so Haruka can’t tell what’s going on inside his head. “I won’t.” He murmurs, and Haruka does a full body shudder. “ _God_ , I won’t. Haru, I’m – “

Haruka shushes him, ignoring the throbbing of his lip as he pushes the remnants of the liver into Makoto’s hands. He’s used to the warmth of blood between his fingers, but the stickiness of the cool liver, not entirely warmed from its time spent out of the freezer, is starting to bother him. “Don’t talk. Just eat.”

Afterward, Haruka lies quietly next to Makoto, pressed up beside him with his arm hooked across the larger ghoul’s chest. They lay like this together often, and Haruka’s never really thought about it before. The intimacy they share as two teenagers who grew up together just comes naturally to them.

Just the liver was enough to improve Makoto’s health, and his heartbeat feels better beneath Haruka’s arm, strong and consistent, just as it should be.

“Where did you get it?” Makoto asks, and Haruka blinks drowsily. The sun is starting to come up, so there’s really no point in going back to bed. Makoto’s windows let in too much light. “It didn’t taste all that fresh.”

“Rin gave it to me.” Haruka mutters, knowing that Makoto will be able to put two and two together.

Surprisingly, Makoto only hums, rubbing his thumb over the fine hairs on Haruka’s arm.

Despite his usual tendency to fall asleep best in complete darkness, Haruka finds himself dozing off, face pressed against Makoto’s armpit. When Makoto speaks again, Haruka jerks back into awareness. “Huh?”

Makoto laughs. “I said, ‘You interrupted me earlier.’”

“When?”

“After you force-fed me.” The green-eyed ghoul doesn’t sound upset, but Haruka isn’t going to let his guard down. “I was going to tell you that I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“For falling off the map for a bit.” Makoto’s thumb stops moving. “But mostly for worrying you. I let it all get the better of me, I guess.”

Haruka sighs. “It was my fault. I should be the one apologizing.”

“I’d just never seen you kill a child before.”

“I hadn’t until that night.” Haruka says quietly. He watches the news everyday, and the local police still have no idea what happened to the drunken man and his two children. They have no leads and no suspects. He, Makoto, and Rin are safe, but there were still repercussions for what they did. “I didn’t want to do that to you.”

“I don’t blame you for what happened, I just – “ Makoto hesitates. “I don’t know, Haru. Seeing you do something I could never do made me realize for the first time since we were kids that you’re a league ahead of me. I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

Haruka scowls, tightening his arm around Makoto’s chest. “Shut up.”

They lay together quietly for a few more minutes before Makoto says, “I guess the Nanase and Tachibana lines are going to end with us, huh?”

It takes Haruka a moment to understand what his best friend just said and the implications behind it. He licks his lips, brushing against the wound that is starting to scab over thanks to his accelerated healing capabilities. It has never crossed his mind that Makoto feels the same way he does, but now that it’s been brought to his attention, he isn’t surprised.

“Yeah.” Haruka says, closing his eyes once more. “I guess so.”

"Do you think they'd be disappointed?"

Makoto means their parents. Of course he does. Haruka doesn't really have to think about it.

They started out with everything and had nothing by the time they were twelve. It took years, but eventually they found a home again, and a makeshift family soon after. But through it all, they’ve remained one another’s constants.

In that way, they are no different from their parents, and their parents’ parents, and countless generations of Nanases and Tachibanas before them.

"No. I think they'd be proud."


End file.
